To me there are several reactions to loss. There are things, or people, that make part of my life in any given moment, and then when they leave I don´t feel anything (sorry people 🙂 ) but there were cases in which this was not true at all, and when people left they left me so broken that many years after they left, I am still picking up the pieces.
One of those peoples was my godmother. I choose her because Easter was celebrated this month and I haven´t heard from her in years. I firmly believe she was the person who hurt me the most, the deepest, and with long-term impacts on the way I presently connect with others.
When I accepted Christ the first question I made to my pastor was, how could I love Christ, and God, if I didn´t love others…
When I was a little child she was very close to me and my parents. I spend all my free time with her, at her house, and I bonded with her with the confidence and innocence a child bonds. And when they bond with someone, they really bond.
So, I bonded too, without knowing that the person whose opinion I most cherished, my favorite aunt, would hurt me so deeply.
She and my parents had a big quarrel, and it went too far. They stopped talking with each other. In the middle there I was…and I received the same permanent silent treatment as my parents.
I was left broken hearted, depressed and hurt beyond what I could manage alone. But left alone I was to deal with it. I remember being excruciatingly, I repeat, excruciatingly difficult to un-bond from her. I had to go to the depths of my heart and love for her, and literally tear her off my heart. I lived many years with this grief, feeling I was not worthy of a try, I was not worthy enough to be kept. I believe this is feeling abandoned people feel…and I promised myself nobody else was going to make me feel that way…
Determined as I was, and am, I decided patiently, thoroughly, un-bond from her, every minute of memories, every second…and I did it…completely.
Recently I have had to face this grief for what it had left in my present life: an unhealthy way of dealing with people, since I have closed my heart completely to others, that nobody can, truthfully get inside. Explaining better: people can, up to a certain point. A limit. A bridge they do not dare crossing. Neither I would let them.
This is the problem with learning to really un-bond. After that you don´t bond the same way. You don´t dive great depths in the others hearts, neither you let others in yours. Even when they want to…You always keep some distance…
As much as I would like to talk about a “happy” loss, I can´t. I would not remember them, anyway. Unfortunate experiences make a stay in our lives for so long and vivid in our memories and heart. If we are fortunate we can learn so much from them and heal with the grace and enlightenment of God.
Gaining conscience, and finally, accepting the impact this situation had in my heart, and the way of connecting with others was God´s gift to me this year, after many, many years of not understanding why I kept running away from people. But God loves me, without a doubt, and now I know.
The first act of creation is always destruction.
Katherine Woodward Thomas, Calling in the One