For more than two weeks I have been with aching back. A very strong pain, that kept me awake at night and unable to move. I spent days on end blinded by the pain, at the same time gong to work as usual. At the beginning I didn´t paid much attention to the pain, thought I might have carried too much weight bringing stuff from the mall.
The night I was literally unable to moved showed me it wasn´t that kind of pain. I went to the doctor the next day and he explained it was a nervous pain. My back muscles had contracted to the point of inflammation.
Then it hited me like a thunder the reason behind the pain. And I found out I had been “cleaning” the motive below the carpets, in denial. The back pain called me to reality.
And the reality was the brokenness of a dream. I had developed feelings for a friend and, after almost 2 years of friendship between us, he had found someone. I am being confronted with this reality, trying to reinvent myself and be amongst the same dear group of friends, most of whom I don´t want to lose.
I have decided to keep distance between me and this other person. It hurts, it disappoints, it is real. For now I wouldn´t bear being present and rejoice in the happiness of these two people discovering each other.
I may sound dispiteful, but I had already come to the conclusion that he and I had little common ground. My life has plenty of colors, his had only one, I have plenty of interests, I only new one to him, I could talk about many subject, he only talked about one. And he was pretty childish altogether. Go figure why the word love appeared in my head about him, as it was so obvious that we weren´t meant to be. Maybe, on my part, it was just that, trying to conquer somebody I knew I couldn’t have. Maybe I admired the “holy” side of him, the one he showed. Someone told me that I was looking for the love of my absent father, that this was all lack.
Love based in lack will only lead to bad choices. Love had always a way of escaping from my life, leading to great frustration and unhappiness. How to heal a lifetime of my father´s absent love? If neither him, nor my mother had it while growing up, how would they know that their daughter had and interior life, had a soul, had feelings…
Only God can heal this kind of lack, only Him can go to that deep, hiding in the deepest part of ourselves, and make everything new, and make me new. Let´s begin by letting Him in. But letting Him in, implies having an open heart, and mine is everything but open. I have depressed moments, anger moments, happy moments, all in one day, and a nagging feeling that this boy is not worth a second of my time. But I might be spiteful.
In the last couple of days the Word is not bringing me transformation, on the contrary, it seems to be pointing me a finger, since it is supposed for me to forgive the offenses done by another brother in Christ. I have forgiven, I wish them all the best, I simply don´t want to be a witness to all of their happiness.
Maybe, one of the greatest lessons I am learning in this moment of my life, is that love isn´t just about romantic couples. It is the only source of love in the headlines. Maybe we are all in a state of lack and looking with thirst for love, first and foremost, in romantic relationships, like parasites sucking the blood from the host, letting this kind of love be the only thing that defines ourselves. Sources of love abound in our world. Our identity is defined in God. Maybe I have to open my heart and let love in, come it in whatever form the good God decides. His plans for my life have been conceived the moment He decided I should have a life. His thoughts are higher than mine will ever be. I have to trust that He knows best.